


Almost happy

by Chessi



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Scotch, Barisi Gift Exchange 2019, Drinking & Talking, M/M, Pining, Post-Episode: s21e04 The Burden of Our Choices
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-24
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:27:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21933709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chessi/pseuds/Chessi
Summary: Scotch. Sonny needed scotch.And, in short, that’s how he ended up in front of Barba’s apartment in the middle of the night with a half-empty bottle in his hand.
Relationships: Rafael Barba & Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr., Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 14
Kudos: 47
Collections: Barisi Holiday Exchange 2019





	Almost happy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Larkin21](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Larkin21/gifts).



_Sometimes  
you are going to miss a person  
who was an almost to you._

_And feel sad because  
there is no name  
for that feeling._

_You just feel it in a way_  
_that makes you tired  
to your very bones._

_― Nikita Gill_

Sonny had always been a little bit of a dreamer. A short while ago he knew where to find his answers. He firmly believed in God and his grace, in justice and fairness, even if they hadn’t been on the same page often. He believed in himself. But above all, he believed in Rafael Barba.

Sonny’s world was plain and simple. Understandable. All the obstacles to the achievement of his goals seemed nothing more than steps of a staircase. They could be rotten or creaky, but he overcame them one by one. He smiled to the world and was warmed in response. He had SVU, law school, Hogan Place, and of course his family. One and only. Gina told him once, during a Sunday dinner: “Hey, Sonny, this tie is absolutely fancy, mark my words, your lawyer will eventually turn you into a person,” and they all laughed, and Sonny blushed crimson. So yes, his family was really something. 

It was almost easy back then. Even if sometimes Sonny’s thoughts had been highly inappropriate. Even if late nights at Hogan Place had left him lightheaded and weak in his knees. And happy. Sonny drew strength from the lazy, law-related talks and dimming lights. He didn’t allow himself much, but it was enough, really, it was even more than he expected in the first place. Everything was fine. 

But then Barba was gone. And apparently, he took away with himself something extremely important. From then on, something was missing and Sonny could always feel this undefined emptiness inside his chest. There appeared some kind of far corner, where in the darkness of night he could hear the wind howling through the gaps. It was sending a chill down his spine. But maybe it was just loneliness.

It was almost painful to find his own way, while his hands and feet felt like they were freezing from that wind howling through the gap. His life became complicated and vague but eventually Sonny somehow made it work. He left SVU for the Manhattan District Attorney Office; he took his chance to move on, even if sometimes at late-night hours and dimming lights of the familiar space the step felt like reversion. Like finding the true reflection in the maze of trick mirrors, which remained elusive no matter how hard Sonny tried to catch it. As if he had been the one, who went away and got lost and not Barba.

-

December was rainy and cold this year, nasty drizzle settled on bare skin and lashes and hair and made it almost impossible to look presentable. Everybody tried to spend the least time possible in the open air, hidden behind their umbrellas and looking more like thick gray shadows under the low and heavy sky.

On Friday evening, Captain Benson invited Sonny to join the Squad at the Forlini’s, to get some drinks, to talk about stuff and not to think about work just for one night--which happened to be happily and suddenly free from perps and victims, from rapes and murders. Rare little break from their cruel reality. Sonny hesitated with the answer, but then agreed. 

And now he was hanging out with people who had been his colleagues, his friends, his family even not so long ago. At the present he wasn’t sure what they were to each other and felt very strange about it. Like he got stuck somewhere in between. Not yet a prosecutor and no longer a detective at the same time. Hadid often sighed, looked disappointed and called him a ‘green ADA.’ While Liv supported him as she could – at the DA office, in front of the Squad, and even when he doubted himself. She was just telling ‘Carisi, go,’ and he went without a word. To interrogations, to crime scenes, to some cocktail parties where they could find their perps. Side by side with Amanda like nothing had changed. But that wasn’t true and everybody understood. And it was almost unbearable. Especially when Sonny had heard Kat’s undisguised ‘that guy was really a cop?’, and realized how far away he was from now on, how lonely. He was tired. So very, very tired. 

“Hey, Sonny, what are you thinking about?” asked Rollins. 

She was a little bit tipsy, so she was leaning on the table and smiling at him with an unreadable expression. 

“Nah, nothing in particular, just work,” answered Sonny. 

“Kiddin’?” Fin raised an eyebrow. “You should drink more, dude.”

With those words he moved another beer towards Sonny, who put on a smile and took the bottle. 

“Cheers,” he said and took a sip.

Sonny noticed Liv’s knowing look over the edge of her wine glass but was desperately unwilling to talk about himself, so he decided to ask his former colleagues instead. 

“So, what’s new in your life? Besides work, of course.” 

“There are plenty of exciting events in my life,” Rollins replied sarcastically. “Starting with the whole crying and sobbing thing and all the way down to Hell’s Kitchen. And I’m talking about Gordon Ramsay, not the neighborhood, just so you know.”

“God, and not even MasterChef Junior? I obviously should come and visit your place and cook more often,” said Sonny in mock horror.

“Definitely. Oh, and by the way, I think you’ll be surprised, Barba came by to the precinct just the other day,” Rollins chuckled. “Guess what? He grew a beard. I’m not kidding, as strange as it sounds, it even suits him.”

“What?” asked Sonny dumbly.

He suddenly felt freezing to the bones. Felt cold and so very far, far away from this bar and this people as if he was looking up from the bottom of some dried-up well. His reality narrowed to the size of a needle's eye. Voices seemed so muffled. It even took him a while to realize that Liv had been talking. And looking. Her gaze was too heavy to handle.

“…we meet up from time to time. Rafael wanted me to convey his congratulations on your new ADA position,” she said.

The one and only thought, which took shape from the white noise of Sonny’s inner universe, was ‘he knew.’ And then this thought began to increase exponentially, to fill his mind with related questions. For one little eternity it became his whole world. And then it was over. He would never have his questions answered. 

“Well, thanks,” managed Sonny at last. 

“So, cheers to ADA Dominick Carisi,” Kat said as she raised her glass, excited. The others were more brooding and wary but joined the toast. Sonny almost physically felt their hidden sideways glances. 

Scotch. He needed scotch. If nothing else, it was the way out.

-

And, in short, that’s how he ended up in front of Barba’s apartment with a half-empty bottle of scotch in his hand. He remembered this address since the death threats and the security detail. But he had never thought it would be like this. It was well after midnight, but Sonny couldn’t wait. Of course, he could be patient and humble but not always. And definitely not now. When his world was spinning like he stood in the eye of the storm with all the noises of wind and waves inside his head. Fierce sea of emotions and regrets. Strong wind of unfulfilled hopes and desires. Which were never supposed to be true, to show themselves. But something inside him was now broken and the storm just poured out through the cracks in his armor. 

So, Sonny just knocked on the door and waited. 

And it felt almost like the long-awaited release. 

First, he heard quiet steps. And then the door was open, and Barba was raising his brows, and his hair was a real mess, and he really had a beard, greyish on the sides, and he wore sweatpants and Harvard t-shirt, and definitely was just out of bed. 

And Sonny was not prepared. 

He stood there and watched, tried to soak up all the details. He felt like he was standing on a deck of a sinking ship, so he got hold of the door frame with his free hand – just to balance himself. 

“Carisi, what are you doing here?”

“I- I was just hangin’ out, you know. And decided to drop by.”

“Hanging out,” Barba repeated thoughtfully. “Have you checked the time? It’s almost, like, two in the morning?” 

“It was an emergency,” said Carisi firmly. 

Or maybe not so firmly. Because Barba looked down at the bottle and frowned with something close to annoyance. “Oh. I see.” He hesitated. “Look, it's really late now. You should go.”

“No,” Carisi felt desperate enough to step forward, over the threshold. Over the edge. “I need to talk to you. I’ve been waiting long enough. Please.”

Barba’s expression changed. It softened a bit. He took a little step back, but it was enough for Sonny to take a hint and move forward, to the light and coziness of the apartment. He wished he could leave his freezing storm behind, but this wind wasn’t from the street, it was from inside himself. 

Barba closed the front door with a quiet clicking sound and crossed his arms over his chest, obviously waiting for an explanation. 

Sonny suddenly felt restless energy. He was like a piece of wreckage in the open sea. No lifeboats, no lighthouses, nothing at all. So, he started to walk around the spacious room. From the shelves full of law books to the soft silken couch – why had he thought it would be leather? Then he got past the TV set and the round was over. It was when he met Barba’s gaze – cool green depth of the foggy forest, where Sonny would be so willing to get lost forever – a piece of wreckage washed up on the shore. Sonny froze up unable to say a word. 

“So. What’s your emergency?” asked Barba eventually. 

“I- I don’t know. It just came to me in one quick moment. All of this is so wrong. Liv told me today that you ‘meet up from time to time.’ It was- a revelation for me. I thought we were friends,” said Carisi and waved his hand with the bottle so hard, that the liquor slightly spilled out on the floor. Not to mention drunken and resentful air quotes. Nice. 

Barba’s mouth set in a hard line in an instant. He threw Sonny an angry look. 

“I’ve never been a friend of yours. I’ve never wanted to be,” he said rather fiercely. 

Sonny was taken aback. He felt almost like he was punched in the chest and now there was a hole in the middle with freezing wind blowing through. Obviously, he came for nothing. His decision now seemed so foolish and childish. What did he expect, for God’s sake? They had nothing back then aside from several late-night talks, whose significance and value Sonny had obviously just imagined, so why should it be any different now?

Sonny shook his head to clear his mind at least a little. 

“I got it,” he said. “I’m sorry, I should go.”

He headed towards the front door and had already grabbed the knob when Barba called out. 

“Carisi, wait. Oh, God. Just give me this thing,” he reached for the bottle. “I don’t want to be the one sober here, if we’re going to have this conversation in the middle of the night.”

Sonny let go on the doorknob and stood still. Barba took the scotch out of his hand and took a big gulp right from the bottle. That looked strange and surreal. Well, to be honest, everything at this point seemed surreal to Sonny. He got lost about halfway through the track of what was going on.

“Gross,” said Barba in disgust. “Where did you find this swill? No, please don’t tell me, it was a rhetorical question.”

Sonny decided to keep his mouth shut just in case, because he didn't quite understand where he stood anymore. 

“Please, sit,” said Barba.

Sonny decided to be obedient – also just in case – so he went over and sat on the couch. The fabric of its upholstery was soft, silky, and cool under his palms, so smooth. Sonny involuntarily caressed it with his fingertips. And flinched when Barba sat alongside him.

“Well,” said Barba. “Where were we?”

There seemed to be an awful lot of answers. Sonny preferred to take the bottle from Barba’s hand instead. And drank. Bad scotch and ruined expectations left heavy bitterness on his tongue. He was drenched in it. His heart was pounding, fingers trembling a bit. It was something between fear and anger, that hungry and destructive emotion by which he was driven most of the time now. He felt lost. To release these preposterous and needless feelings was all he had left.

“You know, you left without a word. And then- not even a phone call, a text,” said Sonny. 

He was looking at the surface of the coffee table while speaking. He couldn't bear to look Barba in the eye. Words came out of him and left emptiness inside. And then he heard a huff. And an answer. 

“Really? You haven’t talked to me, remember? You’ve looked like I desecrated all of your Catholic principles. You didn’t even come to the trial.”

“I didn’t know you wanted me to,” said Sonny quietly.

He started to feel guilt. And Barba hadn’t even finished. 

“The phone works both ways. Want to make a bet on who was the biggest moron back then? I can win that,” he said fiercely. 

He was definitely angry. And Sonny had trouble making up his mind. He came to begin a fight but now he somehow ended up on the receiving end. His thoughts were jumping around in some sort of Brownian motion, loud, clumsy. And only one was clear enough to speak it out. 

“I needed you.” He almost cried it out. 

He wanted to be heard. So, he looked Barba right in the eye. And got darkened depths in return. 

“Is that so? And here I thought it was the other way around,” said Barba hardly within hearing, as opposed to the loudness of Sonny.

“What?”

Sonny understood separate words but an overall picture slipped through his fingers. 

“Nothing, Carisi.” Barba had no intention to make his life easier. “Now it’s nothing.”

Sonny didn’t know what to say. Obviously, they hit a dead end here. The conversation did not go very well.

After a moment of silence, Barba just reached for the bottle, took it, and had a sip. 

Then Sonny took the scotch back and drank some. 

There was something close to blasphemous in the thought that his mouth touched the bottle in the same place where Barba’s lips had been less than minute ago. With a blurry and unsteady mind, he could almost feel their taste from the glass neck. 

As the minutes went by, they shared the prolonging silence, shared the bottle with the bad liquor and bitterness of a thick glass between two of them, and Sonny suddenly had a ridiculous thought that it maybe was the closest thing to a kiss he could hope for. This thought was hurtful, upside-down; it was like looking into one of those carnival mirrors. Wicked mind games. The world was spinning, and Sonny just couldn’t understand why and when everything went so wrong and the very important friendship and easy communication turned into this. It wasn’t fair. As had too often been the case in recent months. Maybe even years, but who’s counting? But there was one thing Sonny knew for sure and wanted Barba to hear. 

“You know, there was a case couple of weeks ago, ” said Sonny quiet and numbly. “Young girl ran away from home; she got pregnant from being raped and came to New York for the abortion.”

Barba didn’t say anything, but he moved a little closer and looked at Sonny in a silent request to continue. So, he did. 

“When we’d won, the ADA from the Mercer County DA’s office said that I helped to destroy a family and ensure the murder of another innocent child,” suddenly Sonny laughed with no actual mirth. “That’s strange, ‘cause it- it haunts me. First – my mother, then you. I mourned and prayed; that was all I could do to save you. At least, I thought so. But after that case, it was like a boomerang; it was me myself who was accused. And something changed within me, a new understanding or maybe acceptance has emerged. Some kind of revelation. That you both didn't need me to mourn you behind closed doors. You needed me nearby.” 

Sonny stopped talking, he had nothing more to say.

And after a moment of hesitation, which seemed to Sonny like a really long time, he heard a sign from the right. 

“Congratulations, Carisi, great detective work. And all it took was transferring to the DA’s office,” Barba couldn't help but made a snide comment, but there was no actual heat.

“I’m a little dim when it comes to the finer things,” chuckled Sonny. 

“I suppose it's no wonder, given the quality of alcohol you drink.”

Sonny suddenly felt dizzy. The room had been dancing in front of him for some time already, but now there were light sparkles and all that. Sonny put his head in his hands to find the balance. And felt a warm palm between the shoulder blades.

“Come on, let's put you to bed,” said Barba with a soothing tone.

“But we’re talkin’,” Sonny tried to protest, but he was already lying down on the silky cushions. 

He stretched his legs and closed his eyes, feeling like reality was drifting away from him, pushing him into the cold outer space, all alone. 

“We'll talk in the morning,” steady voice, so familiar.

Or maybe not alone. 

-

Sonny opened his eyes and tried to float up from his heavy and blurry dreams, to focus his vision, to remember where he was. He could feel soft upholstery of a couch under his palm. Realization came in one long second. His head burst with pain; his mouth was totally dry; his eyes were swelling shut. Sonny couldn’t put himself together, everything seemed liked prolonged dreaming. 

But what was the most surreal in all this – Barba was sitting on the opposite end of the couch, casual and homey. He was reading something on his iPad with a light frown between his eyebrows. He was wearing glasses. And Sonny’s ankles were laying on his lap.

He instantly noticed that Sonny wasn’t asleep anymore and looked at him over his glasses somewhat evaluative. After a brief moment of silence, he huffed. 

“Hope, you feel sick,” he said.

Sonny moaned and put his hands to his face. The darkness was spinning behind his eyelids. He couldn’t come up with an answer, because it all didn’t make any sense. The only thing he knew was that he definitely felt really, really sick. 

“Good,” obviously Barba got his answer by observing. “Because if you show up at my doorstep with this shriveled excuse for scotch ever again, I won’t even let you in. And you will be sleeping on the doormat. Outside.”

Sonny involuntarily laughed but didn’t take hands from his face. He was more than comfortable with this darkness of imaginary non-existence. It was much easier this way. 

“But I think it's my sworn duty to teach you how to choose the right liquor,” continued Barba in a low voice; he was talking deliberately slow. 

Sonny felt like a little spark of melted gold started to expand in his solar plexus. And after a couple of seconds he was full of this burning warmth from head to toe. Darkness in his eyes was now mixed with the white flashes. 

He was almost happy. 

And then he suddenly felt Barba’s hand began to caress his ankle with light, weightless strokes.

No. He was just happy. Without ‘almost.’


End file.
